| |
Helping children with divorce
By Nancy Recker, Family and Consumer Sciences Agent
for Ohio State University Extension in Allen County
"...until death do us part." A promise made
on a couple's wedding day, a broken promise when divorce occurs,
a lifetime commitment to children.
Divorce ends a marriage but it doesn't end a family.
No matter what happens between a couple, their children will forever
bond them.
Divorce isn't an event but a process, and talking to children about
divorce is a painful part of that process. Pretending that nothing
is wrong confuses children because they are aware of their parents'
unhappiness. As a marriage moves close to the end, it is essential
that parents talk to their children and let them know what is happening,
what they can expect, and how they will be affected.
There is a connection between children's capacity
to understand what is happening in their family and their ability
to cope with it. If divorce happens suddenly and children aren't
forewarned, they can feel uncertain about their parents' ability
to love them and keep them safe.
Many parents mistakenly feel that one conversation
about divorce is sufficient: "Mom and I have decided to get
a divorce." Parents need to use age-appropriate and thoughtful,
ongoing conversations about how their family will change, or the
results can be devastating to the children. Just because children
don't verbalize their feelings doesn't mean they are adjusting well.
Interviews with children whose parents have divorced reveal many
conflicting feelings:
o Children blame themselves for their parents' divorce.
"If I had stopped fighting with my brother, my parents might
still be together." Children are never the cause of a divorce,
yet many suffer from guilt for years after the divorce. As parents,
you need to explain things clearly and firmly.
o Children are afraid they'll lose both parents.
If parents don't explain carefully how both parents will still be
in the children's lives, they will assume the worst. Let them know
they will see both parents and that each parent loves them although
they won't all be living together.
o Children feel rejected.
Children need to be reassured and told they are loved: "I will
always love you even though I don't love your father (or mother)
anymore." Don't assume they already know this.
o Children worry.
They worry about money, about where they will live, about who will
take care of them, about telling their friends, about changing schools,
about who will love them. To lessen some of the worries, children
need to know what changes will take place as a result of the divorce
and how they must deal with them. But children will still worry.
o Children feel torn.
Children love both their parents and when the people they love most
are battling each other, children are confused and pulled in both
directions. Parents shouldn't put children in the middle of their
battles and make them choose sides. It is OK for children to love
both parents.
Parents need to put their differences aside and be there for the
children during this process. Encourage them to communicate their
feelings, express their sadness, and deal with their anger. The
better that parents adjust to the divorce, the better the children
will, too.
Even as adults,
children of divorce need help
From 'Adult Children of Divorce'
by Sharon Lewis, Family and Consumer Sciences Agent for Ohio State
University Extension, Portage/Stark/Summit counties
The divorce of one's parents is
generally one of the most painful events in life, and several researchers
have explored the impact parental divorce has on adult children.
Perhaps not surprisingly, older adolescents and adult children experience
much of the same trauma as younger children of divorcing parents.
Obviously, arrangements concerning custody and visitation are not
issues, but parent/child contact and emotional support are often
greatly affected.
Traditionally, young adults are still dependent on their parents
to assist them in making the transition to independence. Divorce
often creates such a powerful sense of loss of a parent that the
young adult may not feel like the parent is available to them.
Adults can expect to go through a grieving process when their parents
divorce. This will probably include periods of anger at one or both
parents.
Here are some tips that can help young adults adapt to the change
in their parents' marital status:
o The young adult should firmly but lovingly refuse to be drawn
into the middle of the conflict. There may be pressure to choose
sides, but he or she needs to remain as loving as possible with
both parents. If one parent seems to be more "at fault"
or "to blame" than the other, the adult child will likely
be angry at that parent. However, that issue should be resolved
between the parent and the child, with professional assistance,
if needed.
o Parents have to work out their own divorce and financial agreements.
This is not an appropriate role for their child.
o The adult child may need to seek out a support group to allow
a "safe" place to let out feelings with others who share
similar concerns.
o Although it's often difficult, it's important to try to forgive
parental weaknesses and faults. Everyone heals easier and sooner
with a little understanding and reasonable expectations.
o Family rituals are still important. However, some of them may
need to be adjusted to meet the changed family situation. Be flexible.
o Create new traditions and family activities. This helps the healing
process and strengthens the family members.
For more information, see "Adult Children of Divorce,"
http://ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/5000/5311.html.
Children of divorce and 'ambiguous
loss'
By Joyce A. Shriner, CFLE, Family and Consumer Sciences
Agent for Ohio State University Extension, Hocking County
Children of divorce often experience "ambiguous"
loss. This term, coined by Pauline Boss in 1988, refers to "a
unique kind of loss that defies closure, in which the status of
a loved one as 'there' or 'not there' remains indefinitely unclear"
(Boss, 1999, p. 6).
Symptoms that children are struggling due to ambiguous
loss include complaints of headaches, stomachaches, and changes
in sleep and eating habits. Parents can help children cope by explaining
as clearly and as soon as possible what the divorce means to the
child - what will change, what will remain the same, and where he
or she will live.
For more information, see:
Boss, P. (1988). Family stress management. Newbury Park, CA: Sage.
In Corr, C.A., Nabe, C.M., & Corr, D.M. Death and dying, Life
and living (p. 422). Pacific Grove: Brooks/Cole.
Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved
grief. Cambridge, Massachusetts: Harvard University Press.
.
Stepchildren on weekends? You can
survive by working together
From 'Surviving the Weekend as a Stepfamily' By Nancy
Recker, Family and Consumer Sciences Agent for Ohio State University
Extension in Allen County
Weekends can be a stressful time for stepfamilies.
A visiting child can cause dramatic changes in the family structure
and may even arouse feelings of jealousy on the part of the stepparent.
It's not always easy to establish a workable relationship among
parents and stepchildren. A child who visits regularly can be absorbed
into regular family routines more easily than the child who only
visits on holidays and in the summertime. When a child only visits
occasionally, it may be helpful if the stepparent steps back some
and lets the natural parent spend some time alone with the child.
Remember, children are not guests. They need to have a place of
their own for their clothes and other belongings. If they don't
have some of this personal space, they won't feel like they belong
in the family.
Encourage children to meet other children in the neighborhood. Having
neighborhood friends helps them have fun with others, just as they
would "back home." Make sure visiting children understand
the rules of the family and follow them the same as everyone else.
Weekend visits make it difficult to establish long-lasting loving
relationships. It isn't essential to love stepkids, but it is important
to show kindness and honesty.
Some stepparents are so afraid of being rejected by the kids or
disapproved of by their spouses that they become a doormat. Stepparents
have every right to be treated with respect and expect certain behavior
from the children.
If husbands and wives work on their marriage and maintain a strong
relationship, issues related to stepchildren will be easier to handle.
The stepparent should remember that children need to spend time
with their parents. Don't be jealous of this time they have together.
Instead, work together to strengthen all relationships within the
family.
For more information, see "Surviving the Weekend" at http://ohioline.osu.edu/flm99/fs13.html
|
