Helping You Balance Work and Family
Date: January 2001 Volume:  10   Issue:  3
 

In This Issue Fathers strive to balance work and family From the Experts How We Do It: A cathartic confession of a husband and father Strengthening the father-teenager relationship Genealogy Project can Help 'Weekend fathers' Focus on Family Fathers strive to balance work and family By Ted G. Futris, Ph.D., assistant professor and Extension state specialist, Human Development and Family Science, Ohio State University As an increasing number of mothers enter the paid labor force, the economics of family life and expectations about fatherhood have changed. In response to these changes, fathers are experiencing a shift in the internal meaning and value they place on work and family roles. While the role of breadwinner remains crucial to their identity, being a "good father" is no longer exclusively defined in terms of their ability to economically provide for their families. Instead, fathers increasingly want to spend more time with their families and therefore place equal, and often greater, value on their roles as spouse and parent. Yet, like many working mothers, fathers experience significant conflict balancing work and family, or translating what they value and want into what they actually do. Studies have found that this conflict exists for fathers in all family forms, across different socioeconomic classes, and regardless of whether mothers work full time, part time, or not at all. Although men don't often express their emotions as readily as women, research does show men worry about their children and family just as much as mothers. In fact, working fathers often face a double bind: working longer hours out of concern they are not providing enough for their families and then feeling guilty they are not spending enough time with their family. This anxiety can cause fathers to suffer stress-related health problems. James Levine and Todd Pittinsky, authors of Working Fathers: New Strategies for Balancing Work and Family, describe this internal shift in values as the "invisible dilemma of DaddyStress, a largely unrecognized conflict between their double duties of work and family that they feel they should not expose." In their book, Levine and Pittinsky provide fathers with practical strategies for enhancing the quality of both work and family life. Included are strategies to help fathers (a) create quality time with their spouse; (b) stay connected with their child whether at home, at work, or traveling; and (c) connect with teachers, group leaders, coaches, and other important people in their family's life to help their child succeed. For example, fathers can:  Make a weekly date with their spouse that does not include the children.  Create daily rituals with their spouse for being together that does not involve trying to accomplish anything but making verbal and/or physical contact with one another.  Set aside one-on-one time with each child that is unique and special.  Provide their child physical and verbal affection regularly and often, even as they get older.  Connect with their children at work by either taking them to work or by sharing regularly household chores together. For fathers (and mothers), balancing work and family roles represents one of the greatest challenges of today. But, through careful planning and frequent and regular communication with the family, fathers can reduce the risks associated with work-family conflict.   Back to the top From the Experts  To nurture his love, involvement and support of his children, a father first needs to understand himself. What attributes did he admire in his own dad or grandfather? Which did he not like? Is he repeating some of those behaviors? Once a man thinks about his own experience as a child, he can examine the experience he's giving his own children. He may ask himself, "Am I the dad I really want to be remembered as? What do I need to do differently? What things am I already doing well?" Based on the answers, a man may gain a better understanding of his own fathering philosophy.  Source: What About Dad? Ohio State University Extension Fact Sheet HYG-5155-96, http://ohioline.ag.ohio-state.edu/hyg-fact/5000/5155.html     Back to the top How We Do It: A cathartic confession of a husband and father Joseph J. Maiorano is a Family and Consumer Sciences Agent in Jefferson and Harrison counties for Ohio State University Extension. His was married in 1998 and his son was born in 2000. Becoming a husband and father has been a difficult transition. It was effortless becoming a nominal husband and father but executing the behaviors was, and is, a challenging process. Why, for almost four decades, it was all about me, and now, there are others with whom I must share the spotlight. This is not easy! I have two college degrees in Human Development and Family Sciences, over 2,500 hours of working with children and countless hours interacting with adults. I know the theory: The best long-term investment is spending time with my wife and son. However, this does not ease the practical application. It is no longer lonely at the top, IT IS CROWDED! I am thankful that my wife grew up with three brothers, because while she is understanding, she is not going to allow my selfishness to reign. She has shown me that I can care for myself and not interfere with my commitment to our family. Below are some strategies I use to take care of me and remain involved with my family:  Out of bed two hours before the rest of my family to do my morning routine of prayer, exercise, reading and eating.  Spend meaningful time with my wife listening about her day at home with our son.  Do what is needed so my wife can have time for herself.  Spend time playing with our son after work and on weekends.  Maintain a very low media-influenced life.  Keep up with my portion of the housework. These activities allow some things still to be all about me while also energizing me to put theory into practice. As I recognize the rewards, I am more open to sharing the spotlight.   Back to the top   Strengthening the father-teenager relationship By Shannon L. Sachs-Carter, Family and Consumer Sciences Agent for Ohio State University Extension in Fairfield County Adolescents can present many challenges to fathers, but fathers can do things to strengthen that relationship. Offer understanding One of most important ways to connect with your adolescent is to understand his or her changing world. Socially, friends play a much more important role than they once did. Adolescents look to their peers for fashion, music and other social norms and activities. But, they still look to parents for values and moral behavior. Psychologically, adolescents strive to move from dependence to interdependence. They generally push for more independence than parents are willing to give. Remember, their goal is to eventually be able to function on their own. They are maturing physically and mentally, are better able to think about abstract ideas. In addition, for the first time they can ponder on the process of thinking itself. This makes adolescents better arguers than ever before. Offer support Parental support is one of the most important contributions you can make to your adolescent's development:  Be affectionate. Don't assume your teenager does not want to be hugged. Ask him or her what is comfortable. And don't assume your kids know how much you love them — tell them!  Be a good companion. The fun things you used to do with your child may now be embarrassing (especially if it's in public). But this does not mean teens don't want to spend time with you. Ask what your teen enjoys doing with you, and then set a time to do it.  Be there. Your consistent presence is important to your teen's security, both in day-to-day living and at special events. Adolescence is a puzzling time for fathers and their teenagers. It might sometimes seem easier to just give up. But right now, your child needs your love and acceptance more than ever. References: What kids need to succeed, P.L. Benson and J. Galbraith, 1995; At the threshhold: The developing adolescent, S.S. Feldman & G.R. Elliott (eds.), 1990;   Back to the top  Genealogy Project can Help 'Weekend fathers' Focus on Family The terms "weekend father" or "Disneyland dad" are often used to describe divorced fathers who don't have primary custody of their children. But parenthood doesn't stop after a divorce, and family life professionals say even fathers who see their children infrequently should resist the temptation to be a friend rather than a parent. To spend quality time together, fathers might want help their children learn more about their family tree by putting together a genealogy chart, said Ella Mae Bard, family and consumer sciences agent for Ohio State University Extension in Knox County. "Learning about the family tree can be a brief activity some rainy afternoon, or a more complex, continuing project," Bard said. Standard generation charts can usually be found at the local library. Extension's 4-H Youth Development program also has a project, Family History Treasure Hunt (Project No. 441) that includes a generation chart. Over time, fathers and children can visit places where grandparents or earlier generations grew up. To find information on early generations, state genealogical societies, state libraries and historical societies can offer genealogical help. (Visit http://www.ogs.org/, http://winslo.state.oh.us/ and http://www.ohiohistory.org for information on those institutions in Ohio.) Back to the top

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