“No!” You’d think that small two-letter word would be easy to say. But many people find it nearly impossible: They feel that if they are asked to do something and they have the ability to do it, they should say yes. But, by saying yes, especially when they don’t want to or don’t have time to do what was asked, they’re simply adding stress to their lives. If this sounds like you, here are some tips to “just say no”:

• Know what is important to you. If the request does not fit into your priorities, say no. Just because someone asks you do something doesn’t mean that their priorities are your priorities.
• Ask yourself, “What will happen if I say no?” If the consequences aren’t too great, say no.
• Don’t feel guilty when you say no. Remember, by saying no, you will have time to do more of the things that are important to you. 
• Don’t make excuses. When you tell someone no, you do not have to justify to the other person why you are saying no. The request does not fit into your priorities, and that is good enough.
• Eliminate those things that are not important to you. You may have said yes to a request when you didn’t want to or your priorities may have changed. If this is the case, get rid of the activity. 
• If you know others who would love to do a certain task, suggest them to the person making the request.
• Practice the rule of “10.” Count to 10 before you commit to anything that has a “time price tag.” It is easier to say no when you have had a little time to think about the request.
Learn the art of saying no tactfully. It may take some practice. You may not feel comfortable at first. But don’t give up. The ability to say no lets you have more control. You will be able to concentrate on the things that need to be done and have more meaning in your life.

By:  Lois Clark, Family and Consumer Sciences for Ohio State University Extension, Auglaize County

Back to the top

What children say they reallly want 

If your child were granted one which to change the way that your work affects his or her life, what would that wish be?  This was the question asked to working parents of kids in the third through twelfth grades.  More than 56 percent of the parents assumed the children would wish for more time with them.  Then the researchers asked the kids.  The results may surprise you - they definitely surprised the parents in the survey.

Here's what they wished about their working mothers:

• 23% - My mother would make more money.
• 20% - My mother would be less stressed by work.
• 14%  - My mother would be less tired by work.
• 10% My mother would spend more time with me.

Here's what they wished about their fathers:

• 23% - My father would make more money.
• 15.5% - My father would spend more time with me.
• 15% - My father would be less stressed by work.
• 12.5% - My father would be less tired by work.

Source:  Galinsky, Ellen.  Ask the Children:  What America's Children Really Think About Working Parents (New York:  William Morrow and Company, Inc., 1999).

Back to the top

If you are a parent, you’ve been there: “David, did you bring home your spelling words?” “No, Mom, I forgot. I was too busy to remember. I’ll bring them tomorrow.” And so the story continues through the night before the spelling test. At some point, getting these spelling words home to work on them seems to become the parent’s task, whether the parent thinks so or not.

Even at young ages, our children have learned to use that “busy” excuse. Busyness seems to be respected in this society way beyond what it provides. We’ve all learned that being busy says something about a full life. Busyness, for all of us, whether parent or child, can be a con — a way to get us to buy things because we are too “busy” to make them ourselves or as a reason for us not to do things that we find difficult. It can also be a front so we don’t have to ask ourselves the real question, “What do I want out of life?”

This urgency to get things completed can get in our way of getting what’s important accomplished. Would you rather be busy, or effective? As parents, we must figure out how to be effective and that means helping our children “choose” what needs to be accomplished in life. By not choosing, we think we should be “doing it all.” That choice can be frustrating to child and parent alike.

At my house, when David thought he was too “busy” to bring home his spelling words, we told him that was OK. Our goal was for him to learn the words and we would help him before or after the test. The grade was up to him. We only helped him one weekend following an “F” on his paper for him to recognize how to put himself in charge and get help before the test. I heard him mutter, “If I have to learn the words, I may as well get an A on the test, too.” We need to help our children choose “success” over busyness.

By: Nancy Stehulak, Family and Consumer Sciences agent for Ohio State University Extension, Paulding County

Back to the top

How many volunteer hats do you wear? Many parents struggling to find a balance among their work and family roles still find time to volunteer. Some wish to pursue an interest or develop a new skill. Some feel they have a skill to share and wish to give back to the community. Others find personal pride and satisfaction in volunteer work.  Many have a desire to help their children in their school and other activities while still other parents find joy in helping others. 

However, some volunteers find themselves over-committed and feel it’s time to back off, but aren’t certain how to make that decision.

Whichever type of parent you are, make sure your volunteer time is spent effectively. Limit your volunteer activities by finding your niche. Your niche will be the volunteer hat with the best fit. Perhaps it’s a skill that you’ve always wanted to develop, or one you have experience with. Perhaps it’s a way to spend more time with your children or with friends you hardly see anymore. Maybe it’s a passion you have for educating others, and volunteering is a way to fulfill that.

Once you find your niche, commit to it for one or two years. During this time, don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about turning down other volunteer opportunities. You can simply say that you’re committed elsewhere and thank them for considering you. Re-evaluate your volunteer role every year or so, and determine if you’re still being effective. Ask yourself if the hat still fits. If not, perhaps it’s time to go “hat shopping.”

By:  Shannon Carter, Family and Consumer Sciences agent for Ohio State University Extension, Fairfield County

Back to the top

In a study published in Ask The Children: How Children See Their Parents’ Parenting Skills, children were asked about their views of their parents. One of the questions regarded the children’s views of their mothers working. 
The result? The mother’s employment status in no way related to the way a child sees his or her mother or father. It didn’t matter if the mother was employed part-time, full-time or not at all. 

This finding may surprise many people: How can children whose mothers are at home caring for them full-time fail to see them as more supportive? 

The researchers said a mother who is employed can be there for her child — or not — just as mothers who are not employed can be. The important factors remain who the mother is as a person and the relationship she establishes with her children. 

The results indicate that mothers’ real choices of being employed or staying home should be supported. Studies have found again and again that when mothers are doing what they think is right for themselves and their families, their children are more likely to prosper.

By Cindy Bond-Zielinski, Family and Consumer Sciences and Community Development Agent in Carroll County for Ohio State University Extension

Source: Galinsky, Ellen. Ask the Children: What America’s Children Really Think About Working Parents (New York: William Morrow and Company, Inc., 1999).

Back to the top