Helping
You Balance Work and Family
Date: October 2000 Volume: 9 Issue:
8
Marriage can be tricky. Usually, both spouses go through stages over the years, changing their outlooks and growing in their understanding of life. The marital relationship itself goes through similar stages, changing over time from the honeymoon phase to the empty nest and beyond. These types of transformations make all sorts of demands on a couple and their marriage. According to the Ohio State University Extension bulletin, Choice, Not Chance: Enhancing Your Marital Relationship, those demands include: Trust. Trust is built on mutual respect. Both people do what they say they will do, and do not do or say things that violate the integrity of the relationship. Commitment. A spouse cannot act as if the marriage vow was the only act required to keep a marriage intact. A commitment to meet the challenges of married life by working together is essential. Skills. Both partners must have a multitude of skills -- including expressing needs, listening and managing conflict. One or both partners must also know how to earn a living, how to keep a house running, how to parent, and how to build on each others' strengths. Caring. Meeting a spouse's needs must be just as important as having one's own needs met. Reciprocity. One partner can't make a marriage work. Both must give the other positive rewards in all the various roles in a relationship -- spouse, friend, lover, fellow parent. Effort. Both partners must work at it to develop a mutually satisfying relationship. Obviously, strong, healthy marriages do not just happen by chance. Spouses must choose to make them strong, healthy and satisfying. Partners can do that in a number of ways, including:
Copies of Choice, Not Chance: Enhancing Your Marital Relationship (Bulletin 832) are available for $1.30 from county offices of Ohio State University Extension. Outside Ohio, contact the publications distribution office at pubs@postoffice.ag.ohio-state.edu or (614) 292-1607 for costs including shipping and handling. Leader's guides are also available. Also, a free Extension fact sheet, Making the Most of Your Marriage is based in part on the bulletin and is available from county offices or on the Internet at http://ohioline.ag.ohio-state.edu/~ohioline/hyg-fact/5000/5220.html. by: Martha Filipic
How do parents rate when their teenagers "grade" them? According to one study in which children in grades seven through 12 rated their parents, most moms received an "A" for being there when the teen was sick and for raising their child with good values. Less then half the moms received an "A" from their teen for being involved in the child's education; being someone to turn to if upset; spending time talking with their teen; and establishing family routines and traditions. In general, moms received failing grades in knowing what's going on in their teen's life and for controlling their tempers. And dads didn't fare much better. More than half the teens reported their dad didn't spend enough time talking with them, didn't get emotionally involved with them, and didn't know what was really going on in the teen's life. Source: Galinsky, Ellen. Ask
the Children: What America's Children Really Think About Working
Parents (New York: William Morrow and Company, Inc., 1999).
A husband and wife's relationship can have a tremendous impact on their parenting skills. Some psychologists believe that the marital relationship provides the primary physical, emotional and physical support for parents. As a result, the relationship influences children's adjustment. For example, studies have shown that a harmonious marriage relationship promotes competence and maturity in their children. Other studies have demonstrated that marital conflict may result in cognitive delay, school difficulties, and antisocial or withdrawn behavior. Couples who are satisfied in the marriage relationship are more likely to agree about expectations for their children, providing a consistent message to the children. In addition, children learn about attachment, love and security from their early care givers. Parents who model positive relationship behavior contribute to the their children's attitudes toward intimate relationships and long-term relationship stability. Couples who do not feel supported in the marital relationship may have lower self-esteem and interact differently with their children than their counterparts who have warm, responsive relationships. This seems to hold true regardless of whether a family's oldest child is preschool age or in the 9- to 13-year-old range. Spouses can develop their marital relationship in many ways, in turn helping their children develop and grow socially and emotionally. Participating in leisure activities together, developing family rituals, listening when communicating, resolving conflict and spending quality time together are just a few examples of ways spouses can devote their energy to developing a strong marriage relationship. For more information about how a
strong marriage influences parenting, see the Ohio State University
Extension fact sheet: Strong Marriage Relationship Central to
Positive Parenting, (HYG-5150-96), written by Lisa Gorman.
It is available from Ohio Extension offices and on the web at by: Mary Longo, Agent
Today's parenting more complex than ever Things have changed -- both for better and for worse. In the course of one generation of parents, parents have gotten a lot better at being sensitive to their children and their children's needs, and a lot worse at setting limits for them. An August 2000 item from Family Information Services provides insight about today's parents:
Community Development Agent and Program Coordinator Family and Consumer Sciences Learning Center East for Ohio State University Extension
More anger is developed in a marriage relationship than in any other relationship, yet few people react to this emotion with complete effectiveness. Most people rely on a few specific responses they learned as children, and they continue to use these as adults. These responses can turn into constructive or destructive behaviors. Recognizing what makes you angry can help you find better ways to cope. It's not whether we get angry, but what we do with our anger that matters. Successful anger management can mean the difference between marital joy or absolute misery. The success or failure of a marriage may depend on the way a couple copes with their anger. If marriage partners don't deal well with their anger they may try to cover it up by ignoring the problem, withdrawal or giving in, keeping track of grievances, pouting, sarcasm, stubbornness, procrastination, or taking the "all is well" attitude. David and Vera Mace, pioneers in the Marriage Enrichment movement, argue that anger is healthy and normal and is present at times in all marital relationships. Couples should give each other the right to be angry. An acronym, AREA, was developed to help couples remember a way of resolving anger: A: Admit your anger to your spouse. R: Restrain your anger; don't let it get out of hand. E: Explain in a very calm manner why you are angry. A: Action plan -- do something about the cause of the anger. If anger is handled in this way, couples usually find that the anger was based on a misunderstanding or misinterpreted words or deeds, and can work toward a resolution. References: Robert J. Fetsch, Managing Anger
Effectively, Family and Youth Research Focus (1991, March-April)
by: Nancy Recker, Agent
|
||||||||||||||
All educational programs conducted by Ohio State University Extension are available to clientele on a nondiscriminatory basis without regard to race, color, creed, religion, sexual orientation, national origin, gender, age, disability or Vietnam-era veteran status.October 2000Keith L. Smith, Associate Vice President
Agriculture Administration and Director, OSU Extension
TDD No. 800-589-8292 (Ohio only) or 614-292-1868