Do you sometimes feel like you are talking to a brick wall rather than your child? Maybe this is because your
child does not want to hear what you have to say, or because they are thinking about something else and simply are not listening. Good communication doesn't happen automatically. Parents need to think about their approach and respond
positively.

Communication Essentials
Your children always need to have their feelings accepted and respected. When you talk with your children, keep this thought in mind at all times. Try to accept and respect your children's feelings, even when you don't see eye-to-eye. Try to accept their feelings without necessarily accepting how they
handle them (for example, it's okay to be angry, but not to hit). If you fail to acknowledge their feelings, then your children will have a hard time communicating with you. Make sure your attitude matches the words you speak; when a negative attitude contradicts positive words, the words lose their positive meaning. When children are hurt or upset, acknowledge their inner pain and give them a
chance to talk about their problems. Listen to understand their feelings without offering advice or your point of view. This will help them feel less upset, less confused, and be better able to cope. Here are a few more suggestions for talking with your
children:

• Use language to express your feelings. For example, instead of saying, 'You made me angry when...' say, 'I felt angry when.'
• Encourage your child to talk by asking openended questions. For example, instead of asking, 'Do you like school?' ask
  'What are the things you like about school? What are the things you don't like?'
• Make solving problems a partnership between you and your children. They may pleasantly surprise you!
• Always communicate your support for your children, even when their actions are unacceptable.
• Communicate your confidence in your children. If you believe in them, they will be more likely to believe in themselves.
• Give your child lots of praise and encouragement.
• Sometimes parents become upset with their children and say inappropriate or hurtful things. Work on self-control when you become upset to avoid this situation. Do not label your children, for example; the stubborn one.. Do you really want your child to live-up to that expectation?

Good communication takes time, work, and practice.

From fact sheet HYG-5204-96 by Rose Fisher Merkowitz, FCS Agent, Highland County, OSU Extension. Reference: Faber, A. & Mazlish, E. (1982). How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. NY: Avon Books.