Helping You Balance Work and Family
Date: January 2001 Volume:  10   Issue:  1
 

In This Issue It's not what you say, it's how you say it From the Experts Talking about money Happy marriages' top 10 For many, marriage makes a difference It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it Everyone knows that good communication is essential to happy, satisfying marriages — but what exactly is good communication?   Often, we define good communication as being clear, direct and understandable. Other times we think of good communication as intimate, personal and open. These ideas, while valuable, overlook the fact that the way we talk to our mates, in addition to what we say to our mates, greatly influences how satisfying and well-adjusted our martial relationships are.  ‘I’m right, you’re wrong’ Have you ever been around a couple that bickers all the time? Some couples can argue for two hours about a pair of socks left on the floor! If you listen carefully, you will see that each statement exchanged implies that the other is stupid, insane or malicious. And it soon becomes clear that the argument is less about socks than it is about winning the argument — and in the process, showing the other person how wrong he or she is!  To see how harmful this kind of communication is, it is important to understand an idea that sociologists call the “looking glass self.” According to this idea, we come to know ourselves, and to know our value, from the messages that others send to us. That is, just as we know what we look like when a mirror reflects our images back to us, we know our “selves” by the way others treat us. When others treat us kindly and respectfully, we feel valued and honored, and our self-esteem grows. When others treat us negatively, we feel worthless or incompetent, and our self-concepts suffer.  That is why the way we talk to our mates has such a powerful impact on our marital satisfaction. The way we talk to our mates can either build their self-esteem or tear down their self-worth. Good communication conveys the idea that you see your mate as valuable and deserving of respect (“Would you mind picking up the dry cleaning on the way home?”) whereas poor communication conveys the opinion that your mate is not worthy of respect and courtesy (“Why don’t you help out for a change and pick up the dry cleaning on your way home tonight!”).  Send a positive message It seems so simple, but during the hectic pace of daily living, remembering to be warm and respectful while discussing money, children and household chores can be difficult. This is especially true because we are seldom aware of the emotional meanings that are reflected in the messages we send. Think about the types of messages you’ve used today. Did they build or tear down your relationship with your mate? If your messages did not convey the view of your mate that you feel, keep trying! When your messages consistently build up your mate, you’ll be amazed at the positive changes you’ll see in your marriage. By Cynthia Burggraf Torppa, Family and Consumer Sciences Agent for Ohio State University Extension, Morrow County From the Experts A National Sleep Foundation study shows that about one-third of adult employees would sleep on the job if they could. However, only about 16 percent of employers have nap rooms or allow napping. Perhaps more will provide nap rooms in the future. According to the research, sleep-deprived employees have poorer decision-making ability, mood swings and more depression. A Boston University professor says, “Just as people get smoke and bathroom breaks, they should be able to nap during those sanctioned breaks.” Source: National Sleep Foundation, http://www.sleepfoundation.org/.   Back to the top Happy marriages’ top 10 What are the top 10 strengths of a happy marriage? According to David Olson, Professor Emeritus at the University of Minnesota, and his nationwide research with over 21,000 married couples, they are as follows: 10. They agree on spiritual beliefs. 9. They agree on how to spend money. 8. Family or friends rarely interfere. 7. They have a good balance of time alone and time together. 6. They are satisfied with affection they receive. 5. They discuss problems well. 4. Their partner is not controlling. 3. They feel very close to each other. 2. They are creative in handling differences. 1.  They are satisfied with their communication. Points listed under strong communication were: Partners do not use put-downs; partners are good listeners; partners are easy to express feelings to; partners understand feelings; and partners are satisfied with how they talk together. While most past studies have identified the importance of communication in conflict resolution, the importance of couple flexibility and couple closeness demonstrate their growing importance in our high-stress society. Another important discovery was the growing importance of an equal role sharing marriage. Most of the couples (81 percent) where both spouses perceived the relationship as egalitarian were happily married, while most of the couples (82 percent) where both spouses perceived their relationship as traditional, were mainly unhappy. To strengthen the equality in the relationship, both partners should be equally willing to make adjustments in their roles, and each person should be satisfied with the division of the housework and make most of the decisions together.  Having an equal relationship is hard work on both sides but most agree the benefits are worth it. For more information on the study, you may visit the web site at: http://www.lifeinnovations.com.   By Melinda J. Hill, Family and Consumer Sciences Agent in Wayne County for Ohio State University Extension  Talking About Money Nearly any “top reasons for marital arguments” list will include one item: money. If your financial discussions escalate to shouting matches or come to abrupt halts, it’s time for a different approach. Maybe the goal should be not to always agree about money, but to be able to discuss differences and reach a compromise. Here are some ideas: • Decide amounts each person can spend per week with no questions asked. It might be $10, $25, $50 — whatever fits your budget. This can provide a sense of freedom and avoid discussions over incidentals. • Schedule a regular time during the week or month to discuss finances, even when all is well. Meet where there are minimum distractions. You may want to include children, especially when discussing savings goals (for example, ideas for summer vacation or long-term savings for college). • Carefully listen for your partner’s key points. Ask questions to be sure you understand. Be careful not to criticize, argue, or do things to keep your spouse from expressing ideas or feelings. For more information, see “Talking About Money” at http://ohioline.ag. ohio-state.edu/hyg-fact/5000/5186.html.   For many, marriage makes a difference If you were to read: “Live Longer, Live Healthier, Enjoy Better Sex, Decrease Depression, Reduce Your Chance for Illness, Recover Faster from Injury, and Reduce Stress,” you would probably think that you were reading an advertisement for the latest herbal remedy or commercial gimmick. Anyone would want these factors in their life.  The truth is that current research is showing these benefits all stem from a happy marriage. And these are only some of the new findings related to the benefits of marriage.  A healthy marriage not only helps adults live happier, healthier lives, but they also have a positive impact on children. When comparing children from different family incomes, children who live with their married parents are more successful in school, have fewer emotional and behavior problems that require psychiatric treatment, and as teenagers have fewer problems with drugs, alcohol and illegal activities. When parents are married, children also have the benefit of having fathers who are more involved with them. These fathers provide a complementary style of guidance to the mother’s style and they provide a more positive role model.  Marriage also impacts economy and society. Families with married parents have better finances, there are fewer cases of domestic violence among married couples, and communities tend to be safer. Married men miss work less often and are less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol, which is a benefit to employers. Married individuals tend to earn more, save more, invest in their future and they are more likely to be homeowners. Marriage is not a magic pill, it is a commitment that takes effort. Investing time and energy into a marriage seems to be an investment worth making. Resources:  Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education; Diane Sollee, Director. “Marriage Can be Good For Your Health,” William Doherty, PhD, University of Minnesota. National Fatherhood Initiative, Dr. Wade F. Horn, President. “The Case for Marriage,” Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, Doubleday By LuAnn Freppon, Family and Consumer Sciences and Community Development Agent in Richland County for Ohio State University Extension   Back to the top

All educational programs conducted by Ohio State University Extension are available to clientele on a nondiscriminatory basis without regard to race, color, creed, religion, sexual orientation, national origin, gender, age, disability or Vietnam-era veteran status.

Keith L. Smith, Associate Vice President 
Agriculture Administration and Director, OSU Extension 
TDD No. 800-589-8292 (Ohio only) or 614-292-1868